In the following piece, you will find the most depressing words I ever allowed myself to write but they saved me. So first, let me explain...
Over the last year, I went through a lot. From losses, disappointments, and traumatic experiences; to deep feelings of fulfillment, freedom, and meaningfulness in my life and relationships; and all in between. While I am grateful for all the wonderful things I was able to experience, the overwhelming sense of pain, anxiety, and discouragement that came with the trashy experiences got the best of me.
Weeks or months later, as I was lying down one night, I was finally able to express in words what I was feeling. That in and of itself felt like a victory, a first step forward. But the words that came out were void of any hope. I sang the words and cried. And as much as it helped me to finally voice those words, it also pained me to realise I actually had lost all sense of hope. As I was singing and truly wondering whether there was anything left for me to desire or hope for in this life, I saw fireworks go off right outside my window. Somehow they captivated me and instilled a sense of awe and joy in me. I thought about two things: 1, This surely is not a coincidence 2, If fireworks can do that to me, there must still be more out there worth fighting for.
I believe honesty brings healing. I am still on a journey and don’t feel ready yet to draw conclusions but if I could speak to you as a friend, I would tell you: Be brutally honest with God and those who care for you about what you are experiencing. You would be surprised. Love starts exactly where we tend to think it ends. You are not alone in this and yes, there is more worth fighting for. I hope you'll see your own fireworks.
“No more (?)”
I'm tired of reaching out for the stars
Only to see them fall
Is not what I want to collect anymore
I don’t want to make a wish this time
When will you call me home
Will it be before or after I let go?
All my ghosts visit me at night
Even the ones I thought were just a shadow
It's not a hard pill to swallow
It's figuring out how to breathe at all
I was dragged into a game
I didn't want to play
I got so burned
From wanting to do good
Let me never leave this room
Let me never try again
Let me never dream no more
Let strangers be strangers
Are there somewhere in this galaxy
Fireworks bright enough
To illuminate my heart?
Photo by Lewis Zhao on Unsplash