When my dear friend and mentor died I was in graduate school training to be a clinical psychologist. Before her death my Christian friends freely offered to pray with me, and their prayers primarily consisted of petitioning God for my friend’s physical health. Later, my friends and leaders at my church would briefly offer condolences before quickly exiting the discomfort and awkwardness of the situation. Had God not heard our prayers? Had he abandoned my friend? These were just some of the questions I wrestled with as I sunk into my grief--questions that others frankly did not want to hear about or honestly process with me.

Eventually my husband and I stopped attending this church, where the atmosphere no longer felt authentic as it once had. This was not our first experience of disappointment with the church, but it felt different somehow. I felt disillusioned and disconnected from people I had previously trusted with the hard parts of my life. Thankfully, there were other people in my life who came alongside me and walked with me through that time of sorrow, helping me to grieve, to navigate depression, and eventually to heal.

Historically the church has responded to mental illness poorly and although a lot has changed there’s still a significant amount of stigma within the church toward people suffering.

As a psychologist I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside many men and women who have been through similar experiences within the church. People with grief, depression, anxiety, addiction, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental illnesses who feel misunderstood and isolated. Common messages people with mental illness receive, either directly or indirectly, include:

• Don’t talk about your problems (it makes people uncomfortable)
• Pray more (God will take away every struggle if you just pray enough)
• Try harder
• Have more faith
• Read the Bible more (God included everything that could help you within Scripture)
• Anxiety is a sin (you need to confess to be free)
• Being depressed is a sin (just focus on God and praising him)
• Don’t talk about faith struggles (such as doubt or disappointment God)
• You don’t need to seek help outside the church (talk to pastors, not therapists)
• Medication is sinful and/or a crutch (trust God to heal you)
• Psychology is dangerous and therapists don’t respect faith/religion

Some of the messages people have received leave deep and lasting scars. The messages may or may not have been intentional. They often come from misunderstandings or stigma about mental health and mental illnesses. If you want to come alongside people struggling with mental illness, here are a few things you should know to help get you started:

Some of the messages people have received leave deep and lasting scars...They often come from misunderstandings or stigma about mental health and mental illnesses.

Mental health matters as much as physical health

Mental health is as serious as physical health. There is a biological component to most illnesses, and often a role that genetics play in addition to the impacts of life events. Many treatments are research-based and vary depending on the needs and also the preferences of the person seeking help. Not every therapist will be a good “fit”. Take time to find the right person to come alongside you.

Stigma within the church

Historically the church has responded to mental illness poorly and although a lot has changed there’s still a significant amount of stigma within the church toward people suffering. The church is not unique in its failure to address mental illness in a way that is healthy and compassionate. But the church also has an enormous opportunity to grow in this area where people often feel misunderstood and stigmatized in the world at large.

The role of therapy

There are many types of therapy. It seeks to address the whole person, taking into consideration biological factors, thoughts and beliefs, emotional experiences and relationships. Mental health doesn’t attempt to “fix” all of these domains, but to shed light on what’s working well and what needs there are for managing psychological pain and living a more full and meaningful life free from that pain. It DOES NOT seek to replace the role of the church.

the church also has an enormous opportunity to grow in this area where people often feel misunderstood and stigmatized in the world at large.

Medications

Christians often don’t understand medication or think about treatment options in a critical or thoughtful way. Try not to make assumptions or blanket statements about things you’re unfamiliar with. Negative stories about how your cousin’s best friend had a terrible reaction to a medication or your neighbor who tried a medication that just didn’t work--these stories aren’t helpful. Medication is a personal choice and potential options should be discussed with a medical professional if warranted.

Mental health doesn’t attempt to “fix” all of these domains, but to shed light on what’s working well and what needs there are for managing psychological pain and living a more full and meaningful life free from that pain. It DOES NOT seek to replace the role of the church.

Praying for someone with mental illness

Encourage THEM to pray and lament and be a witness. Understand that they may be questioning God, be doubting or angry with God. This is a normal response to grief. Accept this as where they’re at in the moment and pray in a way that doesn’t bring any shame to their process. With sensitivity!

Healing is a process: process miracles vs. instantaneous healing

Acknowledge that God’s healing takes many forms. Process miracles restore people gradually, over time, healing people in a way beyond our understanding. Like in the natural world a tree doesn’t grow overnight, with healing it takes time to restore the many parts that have been damaged: relationally, spiritually, physically within the body. This process honors the pain as God walks alongside and enters into the suffering with the victim/survivor. This is a BEAUTIFUL process. Not instantaneous, but good.

Accept this as where they’re at in the moment and pray in a way that doesn’t bring any shame to their process. With sensitivity!

When to refer someone for professional support

You should refer a friend when they shares their symptoms with you or if you observe the symptoms manifesting in their life. Symptoms can include depression, hopelessness, self-harm, anxiety, fear, intrusive thoughts, weight loss, difficulty sleeping, relationship problems, and much more. A referral can be life saving, whether that’s helping to save their life from the ravages of their illness or literally saving them from taking their own life.

Coming alongside

Know your limits. If a therapist is involved, work with the mental health professional rather than simply handing the person off. Offer to speak with the therapist, to share observations, and to join a therapy session if wanted. Check in with the person, just as you would check in with someone with a physical illness. Offer to pray. Offer to listen to them pray. Encourage them to lament and speak honestly with God, even as they hope. Offer to find them a mentor or spiritual director, but again, don’t just hand them off. Fundamentally, people want to be seen and known and accepted.

Acknowledge that God’s healing takes many forms. Process miracles restore people gradually, over time, healing people in a way beyond our understanding.

If you “pass them off” you give the message that they are too much for you, that seeing them is overwhelming or a burden. Demonstrate “being with”/carrying one another’s burdens. Offer practical help. Traumatized people may have periods of being unable to care for themselves well. Ask them what practical needs they have. Maybe it’s a shared meal when they’re struggling to eat or errands. Maybe it’s simply listening, again and again. Not pushing, but offering your presence in the midst of their pain. There is profound power in being known and seen and loved unconditionally. After all, isn’t that what the church is all about?