Christmas feels like a window into someone’s family life. The question of what you are doing for the holidays begins to swirl through conversations as the weather gets colder. A bright point for many. The word that first comes to your mind says so much about how you grew up - Family. Joy. Peace. Presents. Work. Tension. Pain. If our word doesn’t match most people’s experience, it can be hard to reconcile expectations with our reality.

I grew up moving around a lot. By the time I was 17, I had moved 14 times. My parents are from two different continents, and so one side of the family was always missing from festive gatherings. How we celebrated depended so much on who we were living close to at the time, what was happening in the family, or what country we were in. While we had loose traditions, there was never a fixed pattern to how we celebrated the holidays. This constant moving across countries and oceans left me feeling very unstable at times. There was a lack of connection to things familiar. No place to go back to that felt like home.

Most of the Christmas’s I remember were just with my immediate family. Sometimes that was nice. My extended family feels very messy. There were often hidden expectations that were never discussed. A sense of constantly not being good enough, no matter what I did. When we did have family gatherings, the night often smelled like beer, and at some point, us kids would get shuttled out of the room. There was a quietness and a peace to celebrating with just my parents and brother. But my heart longed for the picturesque Christmas so often presented in Hallmark movies. A grandmother who bakes Christmas cookies. Cousins to wear matching pjs with. Tables decorated and laden with food. Full of family and life and laughter.

There was a quietness and a peace to celebrating with just my parents and brother. But my heart longed for the picturesque Christmas so often presented in Hallmark movies.

It’s okay if the holidays bring mixed emotions. So much of the holidays is presented as being about family. Not everyone has a family they enjoy being around. Not everyone is able to go to their loved ones and spend time with them. Since family can be painful for me sometimes, the last few years I’ve found ways to celebrate holidays big and small with friends. To have the big gatherings my heart dreamed of when I was young. It doesn’t look like a traditional Christmas, but it is mine. It brings joy and love into my life, and that’s what the holidays are actually about. We celebrate love, and the ability TO love, because love itself came down to earth so that we might know Him.

It doesn’t look like a traditional Christmas, but it is mine. It brings joy and love into my life, and that’s what the holidays are actually about. We celebrate love, and the ability TO love, because love itself came down to earth so that we might know Him.

This Christmas I am celebrating the family I have made for myself. The safe relationships I have carved out. The love and joy spending time together brings. I am learning to make my own traditions, and that freedom is a beautiful gift.